15.10.2015
Out of boredom, I am reminded of this blog. It's been a while.
I've been too busy with life. Work, study, family, dating.
So, now I'm 26, kinda successful.
I have a Master in Corporate Law. Alhamdulillah!
All I need now is somebody to love. I guess life can't be too perfect for anyone right.
Been seeing and going out with a number of men, but none could sweep me off my feet.
Now, being a hopeless romantic, still a hopeless romantic at the age of 26, of course I'm looking for that Mr tall, dark and handsome, oh-so-macho perfect and all.
But I am also a very realistic 26 years old lady. I called myself a lady, hesitated there for a moment due to some unfortunate reason; cursing. I curse a lot especially while driving, thus, can I really call myself a lady? But then again, who doesn't curse while driving?
Being a realistic 26 y/o lady, having witnessed a number of failed relationships and marriages, let's not include those happy ones, that will not be the realistic T speaking, it will be the hopeless romantic T, back to being the realistic T, to fully put your trust in someone, to love unconditionally and to be willing to give in and give up, is a super scary thing! It is more scary than being stuck in a room full of cockroaches. (or maybe it's as scary as that)
I feel sorry for my mom, my Induk and my aunts, they sincerely are waiting for me to settle down. Here's the ugly truth, I am scared! That's it. I'm scared. Not only to trust another person, but to let myself trust.
Sick am I? Maybe.
I'd rather stay single than get my heart broken and left to fix it on my own. I've been hurt before, and it was so bad I didn't know what to do. They say time heals all wounds. Maybe I am still healing. I can't seem to open up my heart to anyone.
They also say love comes softly. But for that to happen, you gotta trust. Then trust is what I cannot do. I've seen so many people cheated on their spouses/partners. This is not a simple thing like lying about your grades or anything, though lying about your grades are also very bad, I'm still regretting that.
I am such a chicken, I don't have the gut to trust.
I have everything and doing well on my own, should I welcome someone in my life, everything has to change. Scary.
So those men I've been seeing in these few years time, I feel sorry , but they really didn't win my trust.
Don't I want to get married? Hell no! I am also scared of being alone. But I'd rather be lonely than get hurt.
What I really want is a mini-me. Yes, I want a baby of my own. I do love my dearest adopted daughter with all my heart. But I also want to go through the whole pregnancy and labor. I mean, only then I'm a complete woman.
Sadly, the whole artificial insemination is haram. If that wasn't the case, I probably will be pregnant with my second baby by now. Haha.
So here I am, thinking about giving this guy a chance, maybe to open up a little, to let myself trust a little. Just thinking about it send shivers to my spine, in my case, that's very serious as my spine is somewhere deep inside me, under my layers of fat. haha
I just hope that I have a little gut to trust and to love.
